Agent Q and His Handy Dandy Nueralizer
by Stillicidium
Summary: Turns out Watari is also Agent Q, a freelance Men in Black agent. Read it and you can summarize it; I'm not too good at that. Rated T because K is just too little. Language, alien guts naturally , and mentions of terrorism and a hundred people exploding


**Author's Note: I came up with this is about thirty seconds while I was reading a story written by somebody else and I thought, "Dang, you would've thought that he'd have just wiped their memories with one of those Men in Black nueralizer thing-ys. He surely has connections to them." So, this is just something I'm writing to get a kick. I know not many people will read this (Who would? A **_**Death Note**_** and **_**Men in Black**_** crossover? Who'd even think of reading that?), but it was fun to write. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Death Note**_**, anything in it, **_**Men in Black**_**, or anything in that. Nor do I own "I Will Survive" or **_**Malibu's Most Wanted.**_** (Was it really necessary that I include this? Probably not, but oh well)**

Quillish Wammy was undoubtedly a man with an impressive resumé. He was, after all, a world-famous inventor, the founder of several orphanages throughout England, and "millionare" is probably something that makes people raise their eyebrows when they read it. There were only two things that Mister Wammy would never dare put on any document that is meant for others to read, though. Those two things were that he was Watari, the man who handled things for L, the world's most brilliant and secretive detective, and that he was Agent Q of the Men in Black.

As the rules go in the orginization that is Men in Black, he was not allowed to tell anyone that he was an agent. It was amazing that the agency had allowed him to go about business elsewhere, but, like I said before, "millionare" is a pretty powerful word. In truth, Agent Q was more of a freelance agent. He would go on assignments that were occurring in the country he was currently in due to his being Watari. Thus, he was always packing a nueralizer, a pair of dark glasses, and an intergalactic stealth weapon, all of which were easily hid under his coat. Thankfully, he was able to wear the required uniform of the agency, a black suit, at all times without looking suspicious. He was fairly certain L didn't know this about him. Having raised the detective, he knew how to hide things from him. Usually, at least.

It was Tuesday the day Agent Q and Watari collided. Not that it matters what day of the week it was, but nonetheless, it was a Tuesday. Watari and L were in Japan to work on that pesky Kira case. Watari had just dropped L off at the To-Oh University testing center and was looking forward to the five hours of relaxation he would have while L was taking the test to enter the university._ I get five hours all to myself. Five hours of warm Earl Grey tea speaking in English, even if the only person there is to speak in English with is myself, _he thought happily. Now don't take this the wrong way; he loved working with L and had absolutely no problem with running errands or having to speak Japanese because, well, they were in Japan and speaking Japanese is what one ordinarily does there in order to communicate with others. Still, Mister Wammy had his hobbies, and sipping tea while speaking English was one of them.

Watari was just leaving a traffic light when one of his cell phones rang. The song "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor filled the car, and Watari pulled over to answer the call. Actually, I shouldn't say "Watari pulled over", because the fact that _this_ song was playing meant he was now Agent Q. So, I shall instead say this: Agent Q pulled over to answer the call. "Hello?" he said, trying to give himself an American accent, which he could not do very well.

"Q? Of course it's Q. It had damn well better be Q, or I'm gonna have to gut you like those wanna-be Australian agents' refugees," an voice that was always angry grumbled from the phone.

"Yes?" Agent Q calmly replied, still trying to keep up his accent.

"Yeah, Q, listen, enough of your damn trying to sound like an American! Your American accent is even more annoying than your English one. Just stick with that one, 'kay?" the voice commanded. Agent Q giggled quietly to himself about how picky the man on the phone was about accents.

"Yes, sir," Agent Q said, now using his natural English accent.

"Nn-kay, now, you're in Tokyo, ain't ya? I know you are, so you might as well not bother responding and let me talk. It seems that there is an alien at some school there. The bastard ate the teacher and then disguised himself as the chump. Right now he's in the middle of some big test, and he's in a room with one hundred tasty little college-hopefuls. You'd better get over there immediately and send the asshole outta here. Heh-heh, the only way for him to leave this planet now is in a box," the man said, quoting his favorite movie, _Malibu's Most Wanted_, which went completely over Agent Q's head, seeing as how he only watched silent films from his era and home videos of loveable little orphans playing (he had to destroy all the ones he had made of L as a child.)

"Of course, sir. So I am to kill the alien?" Agent Q asked, just to make sure he was clear on things.

"Yeah. And remember: alien's the teacher."

"Okay. And where is the alien?"

"He's in the testing center for To-Oh University. You can find your way there, right? You'd better be able to, or this planet's out one hundred college cantidates!" The man on the phone sounded either extremely concerned or like he just didn't care.

"Yes, I know where the testing center is. I'm on my way." With that, Agent Q hung up the phone. _Of course_, he thought, _an alien has to be administering the test that L is taking. Hopefully, the alien will decide to munch on that boy L suspects to be Kira before I get there and the whole Kira mess will be resolved. That would certainly be one less headache._ Agent Q, Watari, and Quillish Wammy could be a little selfish as times.

Agent Q wasted no time. He sped to the testing center (without managing to be pulled over by a police officer), and slipped inside the building via a makeshift door. Yes, he used his gun to blow an enormous hole in the wall. What was he supposed to do? The doors to building were all locked and he really hated the sound of breaking glass.

Ninety-nine heads swivelled around to gape at the man who had just rudely interrupted their test by breaking into the building. Naturally, the one head that ignored the intrusion belonged to L. Agent Q was thankful for that. He didn't want L to see him this way, wearing dark glasses and holding a massive, odd-looking weapon in his hand.

One head in the room was already facing the wall that had been broken, so it did not need to swivel. It was the teacher. "Dude! What the fuck did you just do?" the teacher demanded in a fast voice.

Agent Q strode along the perimeter of the classroom until he finally reached the teacher at the far end of it. "Sir, I have just entered this classroom. I shall be needing you to come with me," Agent Q said in his calm voice, and took the man by the arm.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Unhand me, bitch!" The teacher then yanked Agent Q's hand off of his arm and, because he was already gripping the man and couldn't let the oppurtunity pass, flung the agent into the air, causing him to land painfully on his strong back.

When this happened, Agent Q did two things in succession. First, he thought the clichéd line: _I'm getting too old for this_, and next he grabbed his intergalactic stealth gun from where it was laying a few inches away from him, and fired at the alien. Ninety-nine students suddenly screeched in response, the girls screaming louder because when the alien more exploded than was simply shot, and alien guts flew everywhere.

When the screaming finally died down, the students starting whispering, and some even started crying. "He killed the teacher!" "We're all going to die!" "That guy's scary!" "He's going to blow _us_ up and make _our_ guts fly everywhere!" Agent Q stood and looked out at the frightened students. He was breathing hard and began breathing harder when he saw a pair of large black eyes with dark rings under them staring at him. Agent Q reached into his jacket and pulled out his nueralizer.

"I will not kill any of you," he began, "if you look into this little doo-dad here. Just look right into this part here" -he pointed to the part of the nueralizer where the little red light would flash- "and don't blink." The gullible students all leaned forward to see the thing the old man held in his hand. Agent Q pressed the button. "Now, remember, there is no need to worry. The police have caught the men responsible for this attack, so their threats are meaningless. They cannot hurt you."

"Huh?" "What?" "What's he talking about? "What's going on?"

"That must have been a bigger explosion than I thought," Agent Q said. "There was a terrorist attack on the building. They busted in here, as you'll see if you turn around, and blew up a cow. They said they were going to kill you all, claiming you were the cause of the world's problems. The cow was an example of what they planned to do to you."

The students were horrified. Many started crying. They all looked around, and none of them felt safe there. Agent Q sighed. Perhaps what he'd said was a bit much. He pulled out his MIB cell phone and called the agency. He asked if there were any other agents in the area. When it turned out there were, Agent Q was both pleased and irritated. He said he wanted those agents to come and clean up the place, then give all the students a better memory than the one he had just concocted.

"What'd ya tell the saps?" the man Agent Q was speaking to demanded.

"I told them there was a terrorist attack. Now they're all terribly frightened."

The man on the phone laughed. "Nice one. Ya don't worry; we'll get a happier one for 'em. Or at least a less traumatizing one."

"Yes, yes. Um, sir?" said Agent Q.

"Yeah? Whattaya want?"

"Might I resign?" Agent Q inquired.

"Wha-? Resign? You outta your goddamn mind, Q? You ca- Ah, what the hell, sure. Tell one of the boys when they get there. And give 'em your stuff. We don't want some average Joe walking 'round with the ability to blow folks up, now do we? Be mighty bad if the local authorities caught ya with that." The man laughed again.

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah. Well, see you around never, Q," the man said and hung up. Agent Q sighed, smiled, and hung up as well. Then he got out of there faster than he had gotten in, making sure he was gone before the other agents showed up.

Watari came back to the testing center at five thirty on the dot to pick L up. L climbed into the black car and Watari asked him how it went.

"You must already know, Watari," L said.

"Whatever do you mean, sir?" Watari asked, trying to keep his voice free of nervousness.

"You came in and killed the teacher with an other-worldly looking weapon. You then told us that there had been a terrorist attack. When you left, other men came, cleaned up the room, repaired the wall, and told us the teacher had left because his daughter was sick."

"Did you not look at the nueralizer when I told you to?" Watari asked, not even bothering to play dumb anymore.

"No, I did. I guess it just doesn't work on my brain."

Watari smiled. He figured as much. "Here, then, you can have this; I don't want it." Watari pulled his nueralizer out of his pocket and handed it to L. "It can erase people's memories of periods of time as great as years. You just press that little button and it does its job. I think it will be a useful tool for you to have."

"Indeed," said L.

-Six Years Later-

"Mister Matsuda, you must calm down," Near told the panicky man.

"Yeah, Matsuda, really. You shouldn't be reacting this way; he's been Kira all along, and he's been doomed by a Shinigami all along," Aizawa said in an attempt to get Matsuda to become more calm.

"But he's dead! I know I wanted to kill him, but I didn't do it. Now look! He's dead! He's dead! He died, right here, just now!" Matsuda shouted. When Light Yagami had his heart attack, something in Matsuda snapped, and he started to freak out.

"Sir, contain yourself! This man was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people. He got what he had coming to him. There is no reason to overreact," Lidner said authoritatively.

"What are you talking about 'overreact'? This is a perfectly natural reaction! Look at him! Oh, how could he just die like that?" Matsuda moaned.

"Why are you acting as such? That man was scum! Yes, scum! He does not deserve to be mourned... Oh, he fooled us all..." Mikami whined.

"Be quiet, Mikami," Gevanni snapped.

Even Ryuk was starting to become annoyed by Matsuda's fit. "Hey, just shut up before I have to kill you, too!"

"That will not be necessary, Ryuk," Near said. "And you should not say things like that, it will only worsen his condition." Near then reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a pen. In fact, it was Agent Q Watari L's old nueralizer, which showed up in a box addressed to "The Successor(s)" at the Wammy's House about a month after his death. Seeing as how Mello had already flown the coop, the nueralizer went to the remaining successor: Near.

Near pulled a pair of dark shades out from nowhere and put them on. Their dark color made an interesting contrast against his plain white figure. "Now, Mister Matsuda," he said in a voice that was no more authoritative than it normally was, "I'd like you to look into this little light right here." Near indicated where to look with a small tap of his index finger on the nueralizer. Gevanni, Rester, and Lidner knew what was coming, so they too pulled out dark pairs of glasses. Rester pushed Mikami's head down so he would not see the light. Lidner nodded at the remaining members of the Japanese Task Force and touched her glasses to inform them that they should wear dark glasses, too. Matsuda was staring at the nueralizer like a good puppy and did not catch Lidner's silent advice.

Near pressed the button on the nueralizer just as Ide put on his glasses. A bright red light flooded the warehouse for a brief second and then disappeared. As he slid his glasses off, Near said, "Mister Matsuda, Light Yagami, Kira, felt incredible remorse for what he did and shot himself to death."

"Yes, and being the little narcisstic jerk he was, he didn't want to shoot himself in the face, so he went ahead and shot his chest," Mikami snarled. It was evident that he did not like Light Yagami very much anymore.

"Oh... Wow... Well, I guess that means he's sorry..." Matsuda said, trying to wrap his head around what had happened.

"Yes. I suppose it does," Near agreed, and he put the nueralizer back in his pocket.


End file.
